*Sigh* (otherwise UNTITLED)

*sigh*

The things of my mind are simple wastes of time...
that which can't be fixed. Conflicts and restrictions of mine. 
I'm trying to unwind. 
But as the minutes fly, I find that it's not that I haven't seen the light but it is myself that chose not to shine. Intrinsically superior. 
Yet we cower as if inferior..."inadequate "? HA... 
Only thru mine own eyes. From outside looking in, I am the queen of a gold mine. 
My smile beams. My soul shines. I'm a part of a legacy so divine. 
But deep within, I am weak at the spine. 
My hands are scarred. My spirit frets. 
My heart so tender it breaks at the mere thought of things I've not seen yet... TIRED... 
So yes...the things in my mind. Are often a waste of time. 
So bleak are these thoughts that they tend to smother my shine. 
But alas, I'll smile. Until the burden of pretend becomes the reality of mine.

Purpose Versus Prosperity: How's Life Going?

So I'm walking through Walmart and browsing the markdown movies when I am overcome by this sudden feeling of "incompleteness". As a young woman approaching her 30s, I feel that having this type of void is not good. It is reflexive of discontent and aimless wonderment...a bit of an extreme you say? Not really. Think about it this way...being discontent, dissatisfied, isn't the problem. However, that feeling of incompleteness comes by being dissatisfied with no foreseeable path to happiness. Thus, when you find that the path down which you wonder is bleak or altogether unapparent, you can can deduce that you're wondering aimlessly.
Coming from a past wherein I excelled and overachieved at most everything that I set out to do, I am torn by my current reality of being a  "nobody" or a "just somebody else". This isn't the first time that I've attacked myself with the " who am I?" questionnaire. But this is the first time that it's hit me so randomly which causes the idea to concern me more than ever. I live by the motto: "Don't point out the problem if you can't suggest a solution." With that being said ......I'm feeling a bit hypocritical. I have no earthly idea how to DISCOVER MY PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Spiritualists may holler, "Seek God." Ambitionists may scream, "Find what you love and just do it." Free-Spirits mat think it best to just "go where life takes you." But being a more visual individual , I yearn certainty- or at least a ball park visual. And as much as I pray, I've rarely gotten assertions of my future.
As of right now, I feel like "I'm just living llife" (quoted with Rae Sremmurd in mind). I'll vouch to living prosperously, but I desire to live purposefully. So what's the next step ?

Death to TABOO: The Distorted View of Generation x

Taboo not so taboo ...Think back when we were children. Most of us can recall coming home from school to SOMEbody who would enforce the idea: WORK BEFORE PLAY. Let me and my brother try to hit the streets and that lesson not be completed. We got "blessed out" just for thinking so ignorantly...And Sunday mornings? That morning was chopped full of gospel music and the smell of bacon drifting from the kitchen. Best believe would have swallowed every OUNCE of food prior to going to church ; as both tasks were IMPERATIVE. There was my momma and my daddy. There was also my brother alongside myself. All of us couped up in a 4 room - not 4 bedrooms, but four ROOMS- house living with the bare minimums.

You may question what do I call "minimum"? 2 bedrooms, a kitchen, and a living room...We had to go next door to use the restroom. We heated water on the stove. And rats and roaches were my brother and my first recollection of roommates.  My parents were more like components in a boxing match as opposed to a match made in heaven. (At least that's how I see it retrospectively) Nevertheless, they were always at work, striving to keep our house and home together. It wasn't until I got old enough to truly comprehend the signs of heartache and dispair that I appreciated my mom's motion to leave my dad.

Don't misunderstand me. Although I am a firm believer that some women beg for an a** whoopin, I'm not the one to condone the abusive man. With that being said , I can vow that my pops was a pretty raw husband and (at some point became) 50% of a father. That's why I get pissed about the whole " making it work for the sake of the kids" theory.

"Making it work for the sake of the kids" is just a selfish parenting tactic that keeps good sex arouns and a lazy attempt minimal level comfort in tact. despite what our ancestors did and regardless of what our parents do, there is little to no positivity in two battling parties staying aboard just to paint an image for their kids. I'm not saying this as if to pass this ideal off as my own. I am simply putting into perspective why our generation has turned a once "sacred entity" into a
"Eenie meanie miney mo" scheme. Sex, money, and power are all pawns and winnings used interchangeably.

I have friends who quick to fall for the guy who can break the most bread but look dumb in the face when they wind up single and used up again. On the other hand, I've known men to become pussy whipped but are totally unattracted to the actual female. Those are the ones who get slapped to reality when the baby comes into the picture. I won't lie. I've been on both sides of those fences at some point, and I live with the circumstances daily. It's turned me into somewhat of a stereotype, but somewhat typical to our society. Because sadly , what was once TABOO is now the NORM.

AUDACITY OF THE ENEMY

The audacity of he who steps over you, undermines you, and deliberately tries to break you...
He uses you as the foot-stool to HIS accomplishes but falters in the background when you need uplifting. 
The audacity of the enemy...

You fuel his fire. You take his crap. You inflate his ego...
only to have it returned with a slap in the face or a stab in the back. The audacity of the enemy...
But I finally turned my back, held my head to the sky. I put my confidence back on the pedestal and revived that fire within me. The audacity of the enemy...
You're nothing but a speck in my background, a stepping stone to my soon-to-be glory. I've elevated myself above you. Oh no. Not the audacity of the enemy. Let's see the resilience inside of me... 

*For anyone who knows what it is to have sacrificed your happiness until you've surrendered your sanity, only to be trampled on or over and hurt beyond what you believe recoverable. Put your foot down, stand up, and walk away from that pain because what lies ahead is your greatness* 

"A Woman's Worth: A Sociological Critique of Updike's 'A & P'"

The role of women in society is forever changing but has always faltered in the eye of the male population. Prior to the Women Movements of the late nineteenth through the early twentieth centuries, women were generally viewed as property of their husbands and held little to no rights. They were expected to behave according to a strict code and were out-casted if they did otherwise. The transition between that point in history to today- a time where women are even allowed to run for presidency- has been a rocky, or controversial, one. John Updaike's "A & P" is a tale that addresses this changing role of women and how it affects various types of people. Using a sociological critique, one can see the expectation of women in the physical, mental, and spiritual aspect.

As previously state, women were expect to conduct themselves mildly and to not draw much attention to themselves. In return, we have the societal expectation that women are to be covered almost completely so as to not bring too much attention on themselves. John Updike's "A & P" is set during the summer of the early 1960s in a small town found in New England. When three young, vivacious females enter the grocery store of this small town, they immediately become the main attraction. They only have on their bathing suits. "There was nothing between the top of the suit and the top of her head except just her..." as they had ventured from the freely, open beach to the strictly, limited grocery store atmosphere. This lax in apparel in such an environment represents the relaxed restrictions that women was newly given; there was nothing standing between the younger crowd, who had become accustomed to older traditions, scoffed at the idea of any self-respecting females being so exposed. Lengel, the manager, represents the elder generation. He reprimands the young women and reminds them that "this isn't a beach". It is as if he is reminding the young women learn their place, both physically and metaphorically.

Though the Women's Suffrage Movement had expanded the rights of women, it had not totally eradicated the boundaries between the sexes. The general mentality of this era was that men were indeed still deemed superior and should be respected accordingly. This seemed to be the confusion between the store manager's assertiveness in reminded the young ladies where they were versus the young ladies' ease with coming in the grocery store as they were. The main character, Sammy, is a coming-of-age male who is in awe with the presence of Queenie and her friends. He gapes at, analyzes, and admires their diverse appearances. From the "chubby berry-faces" to "white prima donna legs" Queenie and her friends, it is apparent that they are tempting and innocently overbearing to man. Nevertheless, the young ladies were clearly unaware of their error prior to Lengel's reprimand. While clearly blushing with embarrassment, the girls insist that they are "decent" contrary to Lengel's belief who says, "Girls, I don't want to argue with you. After this come in here with your shoulders covered. It's out policy. "This clashing of ideals of what is and is not appropriate or acceptable offers a view of tension between both gender and age groups. Thus, the reader sees symbolism of the limitation that is placed on the openness that women are allowed.

The fact that the store manager, Lengel, warns Queenie and her friends to (upon their next visit to the grocery store) dress more appropriately indicates that man is giving women a chance to tone down their "vivacity" and correct this newfound, overindulgent way of life. such spirituality displayed in women during the 1960s was still overall considered unorthodox. On the other hand, Sammie freely quits his job in aims to prove a point to both Lengel and the young ladies. Sammie symbolizes the rare support that this new age of woman was receiving during this time. Lastly, the way that the girls leave the store in silence shows that women were still not totally sure of their strengths which ultimately became their weakness. This uncertainty of self leaves them in silence having no other way to fight back. This sense of liveliness versus submissiveness is the basis on which the Women's Suffrage Movement was formed.

John Updike's "A & P" shows how the physicality, mentality, and spirituality of women was still in transformation from what we typically read in history books to what we see today. Given the many opportunities that women have today versus the vast limitations on the female sex, it is apparent that women indeed have an underlying yet dominant impact on society. This ongoing transition is still controversial to this day because there are women who dare to be different and step out or, in Queenie and her friends' case, step into various situations innocently, blindly, yet boldly. This defies and thus redefines the expectations of females of the day.

"Black Beauty and Resilience in Senghor's Poetry"

It is of no mystery that the Black culture consists of an endurance of social suffering. But amidst it all, the people have managed to maintain a sense of appreciation of its natural bliss that entails not only it aesthetic appeal but its livelihood as a culture. One particular poet, Leopold Sedar Senghor truly encapsulates blackness and African heritage through his work. Born and raised in Senegal- a land of natural beauty but one that is no stranger to pain and suffering either, he generously shares a variety of vivid images that portray the black culture in a metaphoric, realistic, and literal manner. Furthermore, Senghor encourages self-embracement and cultural mutualism by praising resilience and black beauty throughout his poetry.

From the very beginning, Africans have always instilled the idea of self-love in its people. This is a type of love that extends beyond appreciating what has been physically bestowed upon a people. The type of self-love that rules the Black culture is on that teaches its people how to face, how to endure, and to recognize the value of struggles, taking note of things to help in the future. "And I had no dead to honor...You who have always refused to die...Guard my dreams as you did your thin-legged migrant sons." Reflecting back to a time of extreme cultures' history while fighting to retain the hope despite dealing with the strains of being out  and put down. While the European race so often scrutinized and tortured the Black African people people, they, more often than not, found themselves entangled in affairs with this "inferior" group. Whether it was the result of secretive and consensual love or secretive and forced lust, many children were not only born out wedlock, but were also the product of white men who engaged with black women. The poem, "Totem" addresses this multiculturalism and how mixed individuals had to hid their true identity in order to not "burst the dam of scandal". This regular occurrence shows that Back had the power to be resilient and overlook adversity. The poem, "Snow in Paris", reiterates this concept of endurance. In a most symbolically calm and relieved manner, Senghor says, "Lord, you have offered the snow of your Peace to a torn world" and "I forget...the firm hands that led me to loneliness and hate". Having gone through and survived many decades of maltreatment, it proves that its people had an unavoidable hod on others (more specifically, the whiles who invaded "the Motherland")- perhaps the effect of an intrinsic beauty untouched by any other.

In order to truly capture the essence of this beautiful people, Senghor takes two different approaches. First, he addresses natural beauty, such as that described in "Black Woman". Senghor emphasizes purity by praising the "naked woman...dressed in your color that is life." From her voice to the light in her eyes, this type of woman's beauty is well worthy of attention "before jealous Fate reduces [her] to ashes to nourish the roots of life." This ending indicates a chance that such purity and naturalness will continue to blossom in the generations of women to come. In contrast to the praised and hope displayed in the poem, "Black Woman", Senghor attacks the counterpart of such perfection by writing "to New York". Initially taken aback by the beauty of its "huge, long-legged, golden girls", it isn't long before he begins to miss the simplicity and the comforts of home. "No mother's breast, but nylon legs...no tender word...only artificial hearts." This line suggests that the artificiality of the western world's culture versus that of Senegal, Senghor's home, is not natural and is not as desirable. There is comfort, however, in Harlem where Blacks move, sang, and apparently, lived freely. The many uplifting references made to body and to nature are indicative of the idea that which Senghor treasures. "Hips rippling like silk...ballets of water lilies" moving magically "to your heart beating to the rhythm of blood"- he advises his people to keep moving, or dancing, as it is evident of the Black-African culture rooted deeply within. Part three of this poem implies that Black should be encouraged to display freely the depth and richness of its culture, thus New York should allow the Black culture to thrive within its boundaries and beautify it with it naturalness.

One could define "resilience" as the ability to endure, fight, and recover from years of pain and suffering. And, Senghor further shows us the beauty of Black culture beyond physical aesthetics. What we find by reading this collection of poetry is that the black culture is overflowing with a history of struggles; however, it is clear that these struggles have helped to create a strong group of people who have taken these same hardships and continued to blossom. As if to prove that it is more to the black culture than the forced westernization, Senghor reiterates the idea of self-appreciation. Being a part of culture that has endured much and has still retained a major sense of its cultural individuality (or has displayed a strong sense of resilience), more than enough reason to continually praise its originality, simplicity, and naturalness which is beauty.

BARE with it all (Intro to a Romantic Realist's novel)

It's amazing the power of the mind, but what's even more amazing is the power of one's hands.

Gracefully, my fingers caress the smooth, dark surfaces of the letters of this keyboard, taking me into a world created only by reading books, watching television, and fantasizing perfection. Despite the way I tend to stride with my head to the clouds and my spirit even higher, I knew that I could be whoever I wanted to be. I could act the way I wanted to act. I could meet who I wanted to meet. And more importantly, I would do so without serious reprimand or consequence through the internet. Only if I abide by the general rules of being very attentive and less serious about the happenings.

Unfortunately, I totally neglected these two key rules somewhere throughout the years of cyber-play. It was all in fun and ego-exercise until I met him- to be addressed as Mr. X. Too short to be an athlete. Too modest to be a hero. However, he was sculpted just right to get the job done and was confident enough to charm his way into or out of any situation. This had to have been what intrigued me the most.

His mind was made of money and his conversation dripped ambition. I was taken aback by his interests that seem to coincide with mine. Chatting from sun-up to sun-down, it was as if I had become entangled in, what I could only classify as, a lusty web. With curiosity pulsating through the very veins that pumped my blood, I felt a thrill in the idea of diving deeper into his charm. With such a burning desire to act upon this curiosity, we decided to set the date. We would venture from cyber-space to each other's place.